Some people seem to have the impressive ability to shake off setbacks and stay positive. Meanwhile, even the most confident among us can feel defeated after missing out on a dream job or getting ghosted by yet another promising Hinge match. The difference between people who can bounce back from these demoralizing situations—and those who fall apart—isn’t how often they’ve experienced them, Jenny Wang, PhD, a licensed psychologist based in Houston, tells SELF. It’s all about how they make sense of those setbacks.
“Pretty much everyone is going to experience failure,” Dr. Wang says. But when things go wrong (as they inevitably will), you have two choices: let the experience defeat you, or use it as fuel to come back even stronger. Of course, the second option is easier said than done, which is why we asked therapists for a few realistic ways to build resilience—and stop letting your disappointments define you.
1. Distract yourself with a low-stakes win.
One bad moment—whether it’s a presentation that didn’t go as planned or a promotion that ended up going to someone else—can quickly feel like evidence of your incompetence: Maybe you’re not as smart as you thought; maybe you’re not cut out for this job—and you never will be.
It’s important to break that cycle of self-doubt when the sting is fresh, which you can do by “distracting yourself with simple tasks that make you feel like you’re accomplishing something,” Tracy Hutchinson, PhD, a Naples-based therapist and faculty member at the College of William and Mary’s clinical mental health counseling program, tells SELF. Consider small, manageable actions—finishing up the dishes, going for a quick jog, or sorting through unread emails. This can create just enough momentum to pull you out of your head, while making it easier to later revisit what went wrong with a more rational, more compassionate perspective.
2. Reflect on your past accomplishments—no matter how big or small.
The next time you’re fixating on what you couldn’t or didn’t do, remind yourself of everything you are (or were) capable of achieving—like running your first 5K, nailing a new recipe that your friends loved, or making it to the second-round interview for a prestigious job (even if you didn’t end up getting it).
“These can be small victories or bigger ones,” Dr. Hutchinson says. What really matters is remembering that you have faced challenges and come out on top before—and you can absolutely do it again.
3. Give yourself permission to be imperfect.
According to both therapists we spoke with, being your own worst critic won’t “motivate” you to do better next time, no matter how much of a perfectionist or high achiever you are. (In fact, it’s more likely to have the opposite effect, leaving you even more discouraged, stuck, and insecure.)
